Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Shacking up… too soon?

If you live in a fairly conservative community I’m sure you’ve often heard people state that couples should wait until they’re married to live together, but how often do you get valid reason for that? Many claim it’s not quite right, but I could vow that most of those same people don’t even really know why.

Well I’m not one of those people. I believe it’s an important step, and prior to committing any further a couple needs to be sure they can live ‘agreeably’ under the same roof.

There’s a huge difference between dating, no matter how intense it is, and actually living together. Those hours spent alone can really unwind a person and prepare them for another encounter. Perhaps what many people fail to understand is that those hours tend to decrease dramatically when you’re living with your partner. You normally also discover a few traits which were not so evident before. Some that you could like, while others you might not be too keen on.

But then what happens if you simply can’t live with certain incompatibilities? And what if you discover that once you’re already married? Oh that’s right, you live unhappily ever after…

Living together involves a lot of compromise a mature approach. It can also really determine a couple’s faith in my opinion, because whilst many things can be somehow worked out, it’s only realistic to acknowledge that there isn’t quite a solution for every problem in life.


  1. OMG!Andrei you are sooo right on this one.People don't take the time to get know each other anymore.They move in together alot sooner now a days.They have an idealistic view about marriage and somehow it will make their relationship perfect.Then they actually live together and gradually things start to fall apart.Next thing they know,they're on the verge of divorce over those annoying little things that if they lived together before they got married,they would save thousands of dollars on an unnessecarily expensive wedding.Also alot more money on a nasty divorce.Trust me when I say,a piece of paper and a ring,don't change a thing.

  2. Living together is the only way to go..

  3. Don't necessarily agree with this one. What I do think is we live in a society that is more material, and superficial than ever before. People don't choose their mate based on Love, compatiability, morals, ethics...all those things fly right out of the window if he makes the right amount of money or she can slip into that size 4 without a problem.
    I was a Bridal Consultant for many years. A good half of our brides were living with their fiance' before marriage, and many of those were seperated before those who hadn't... It's all about that little piece of paper that says legally wed, that changes people. Before they could easily go their separate ways, but for some it means no way out - 'trapped'.
    I sincerly feel that if the important issues are discussed and agreed upon - finance, morality, children, religion etc.. but especially the couple truly love each other for the right reasons, a successful relationship can occur without living together ahead of time.
    Just sayin....

  4. Boy, do you pick interesting subjects! I think that living together is fine, as long as a couple agrees to not procreate during the "trail period" when they are deciding if they like each other enough to spend "forever after" together. Marriage should never be termed "a piece of paper and a ring". Families are terribly important to children who happen to be caught between two people who can't figure out what they want in a relationship. And with a trial marriage, just as in a valid one, if the couple has a kid or two, that changes even more between them. The man often feels trapped even then, because with paternity cases and child support, things can get dicey. A woman often feels trapped because she now has a child who depends on her and it's rough raising a child as a single parent unless you are independently wealthy.

    So, play all you want, but use common sense before you bring another human person into the world while you are playing. And a trial marriage could be thought of as 'playing'. After all, when the game is over, you can just walk away. Unless you have produced a small person who needs a mommy AND a daddy.

  5. labelledamesansregretMarch 4, 2010 at 12:10 AM

    Statistics back up non-cohabitation before marriage: Think about together brings all the stress without the legal parachute. In other words, your partner has absolutely no ties to keep them in check, because they can walk right out the door at any second with few ramifications.

    "Playing house" keeps people from learning how to shut their mouths, grow up and compromise in order to make things work.

  6. let me chime in here. I am an old fashioned girl. If I am good enough to live with, I am good enough to marry. If you can't live with one as singles, you are not gonna be able to being married. Like you don't need to live with someone to know if they are marriage matterial or not.

  7. I agree with the last four posters about it not being necessary to live together before marriage. Like labelle pointed out, statistics show that people who don't live together prior to marriage tend to do better when married.

  8. Married or not,happiness is what really matters!

  9. Well said swtchx69!

  10. I think statistics can be swayed to make a 'fact' looks good, either side you take on an issue.

    I think the statistics on 'people who live together then get married breakup sooner' show that, had that couple chosen to begin the co-habitation on marriage day one instead of 2 yrs prior, they'd still have been together a total of X yrs. It's just that 2 of those years were spent prior to the nuptuals.

    I lived with my ex-husband 5.5yrs before getting married. It was only after I'd moved out and showed him I didn't NEED him that he decided it was important. We lasted 2.5yrs after that, NOT because of the living together thing but because of addiction (his).

    I lived with my current husband 6mos before our wedding. We've been happily married for 10yrs.

    These cases could be argued from either side, but I can tell you this; if you're going to live with someone as a trial marriage, put a timer on it. Give each of you the option of calling it on or off so you don't waste 10yrs not getting what you want!

  11. That's a very valid point, Heather.

  12. I'm kinda on the fence about this. I guess you could call me old fashioned. There wasn't a "living together" when I was dating. It just wasn't considered the proper thing to do. You dated, fell in love and got married. Or it didn't work out and you moved on. I think in today's society everything is throw awayable. By living together and finding out that person is exactly what you expected, it's easy to just keep living together and avoid the commitment of marriage but with all the benefits. But as things change and evolve, relationships do to. I do feel that some things are to be discussed and agreed upon prior to marriage or "shacking up". And if there isn't love and happiness involved then why do it?

  13. Exactly, but then shouldn't everyone be responsible for their own life? Why does society have to impose what's right and wrong for a couple?!

  14. I've always agreed with this philosophy; it's really just common sense but so many people would disagree and I've yet to come across a single one that could give a valid reason that wasn't religious.

  15. commitments mean something. i think if you take things seriously to begin with, you think twice before committing to something that's wrong - because the stakes are higher, so you tend to make better choices. so much in life comes down to motivation, you know? how can we motivate ourselves to choose wisely if we're throwing all the things that motivate us (the desire to love and be loved/human need fulfillment/defeating loneliness) to keep searching for the person who's right for us out of the picture? i think when we play house and get too involved with the people we date, we're just setting ourselves up to be complacent enough to not seek out true happiness with the right person. It's like filling up on junk food on the way to a banquet. you have no hunger to fill yourself with the good stuff. and you saw Supersize Me, no matter how healthy you start out, if you keep eating junk, your body will learn to THINK it likes junk, and become addicted. We are creatures of habit.

    Stay Hungry For the Good Stuff & Take Care of Yourselves and Each Other <3

  16. how could i forget:

    "Know thyself."

    ...that's the precursor.

    definition of precursor:
    a substance from which another substance is formed (especially by a metabolic reaction)